You probably think you won’t wear these Milan fashion week trends, but you will

From sheer skirts over big pants to checked blazers with straw spaceship hats – here’s how to crack the catwalk code and translate crazy looks into real clothes

I know what you’re thinking: you wouldn’t dress like this if I paid you. Your dad’s 80s blazer, over a white lace nightie, with an upturned fruit basket on your head, punk choker and square sunglasses, a la Gucci? Er, I don’t think so. A cartoon-print Crombie coat with knee-high sport socks and winklepickers? Not today, thanks all the same, even if it is Prada.

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re mistaken. You will dress like this. Not necessarily this week, or even this year, and not, I admit, exactly like this, because you would be bankrupt, and people would cross the street to avoid you. But still. The clothes you see here from Milan fashion week will have a huge effect on what all of us wear.